Reflections: March 2011

This is a story that I wrote quite a few months ago this year for my English class. I have already posted it on here, but this is the rewritten version (it is now A LOT longer haha). Enjoy!

My Blessing

I stared at the collage of Emily and I for what seemed like hours. She was in her lovely sky blue dress that she loved so much. I looked out the window and saw the snow gracefully falling to the frozen ground. Emily loved snow. She was my best friend, and we had been friends since the second grade when my family first moved to town. I was all alone; didn’t know anyone. The very first time I met her was in the lunch line at school. We ended up sitting together at lunch and eventually became inseparable. “Two peas in a pod” as my mom would say. Em and I turned out to have a lot in common. We played the same sports, loved the same movies, and we both played the clarinet in band. One thing was different though. Em went to church and believed in all this “Jesus” stuff. I thought it was kind of weird at first, but then I got used to it. I guess you could say that I was a “bad kid”. I didn’t really get along with my parents, and had snuck out of my house a few times. Emily had the complete opposite attitude, but people do say that opposites attract.

Em invited me to her youth group, and whenever I spent the night on Saturdays, I always went to church with her the next morning. It was okay I guess. We went to middle school together and made many lasting memories. Then our Junior year came, and something drastic happened. My life was changed, and somehow something dreadful, turned out to be a blessing.

“Tessa, you have to be strong and not tell a soul. Do you understand?” said Emily as we entered her bedroom.

“Em, how can you expect me to not tell anyone that you have a tumor the size of a golf ball in your head?! Do you know how hard this is going to be for me? You know I can’t keep a secret.” I argued as I plopped on her bed.

“Tess I know, but you have to trust me on this. No one needs to know yet. I don’t want everyone giving me all sorts of attention or giving me gifts and cards just because I’m sick. Don’t you see? I’ve never liked attention and I don’t want any now. Please, will you just keep it quiet? At least for awhile?” said Emily with pleading eyes.

“Alright, I’ll try my best.” I said reluctantly. After that we were quiet for a while. I finally found the courage to ask, “So, is the tumor cancerous? How long has it been there? How serious is it? Do you need surgery?”

“Calm down Tess. The doctor said that they are going to have to try surgery to remove it. They don’t think it is cancerous, so once it is removed I should be fine and everything will be back to normal.” Em said a little too assertively. “Let’s watch a movie. How about we watch your favorite, Remember the Titans? That will cheer you up,” Em said.

Funny, she is the one with a tumor in her brain, and she is trying to cheer me up. Ironic isn’t it? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? If it were me with the tumor, I would be bawling my eyes out, and I would be the one needing to be cheered up.

Emily went to the doctor that same week. She had about a million tests done it seems. She had a CT scan, an MRI, X-rays, blood tests. You name it and she’s done it. She came over to my house one afternoon.

“Hey, Tess. Could I stay the night at your house?” Em said questioningly.

“Of course. You know my mom won’t care.” I said.

“Great!” said Em. “My mom is in one of her emotional spasms right now and I’ve just got to get out of the house. She’s depressing me.”

“Well how about I walk with you to your house to get your clothes and stuff?” I said.

“Hey that’d be great!” Em said excitedly. “Now the walk around the corner won’t be so lonely.” She said laughing.

Em and I walked to her house within five minutes. We walked up to the front door and stepped inside her house.

“You can wait here in the kitchen while I pack. My room is a disaster.” Said Em.

“Alright. I’ll just help myself to a glass of juice then.” I said.

I grabbed a glass out of one of the cupboards. I was about to open up the refrigerator when I saw something on the calendar that caught my eye. For next Tuesday it said “Chemotherapy @ 10:00 A.M.” Chemotherapy? Why does that sound so familiar? I quickly looked up the word on my phone’s dictionary. It read: the treatment of disease by means of chemicals that have a specific toxic effect upon the disease-producing microorganisms or that selectively destroy cancerous tissue.

Wait? Cancerous tissue? That means cancer... So if Chemotherapy is used to destroy cancer, then that means... and then the thought hit me. It hit me like a brick that was dropped from a twenty-story building. Emily had cancer.

Emily then came flying down the stairs, but she stopped when she saw me. Just by the expression on my face she knew that I had found out about her little secret.

“Em, why didn’t you tell me?” I said, on the verge of tears.

She came over and hugged me and said, “Well, I wanted to, but I didn’t know how to tell you, Tess. I saw no point in ruining your happiness and fun with my troubles.”

“Ruining? You wouldn’t have ruined anything, Em. I could’ve been there to comfort you. I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me, me. Your best friend.”

I walked out of the kitchen and slammed the door behind me. I ran home. Tears stinging my face, blinding me as I ran. When I got to my house I ran upstairs to my room, and cried myself to sleep. I think Emily got the message that tonight would not be a good night to stay over.

It has been months since Emily and I had this conversation. Sadly, my parents got a divorce and I moved in with my mom in the neighboring town. My parents hadn’t been getting along for years. They tried counseling, but that didn’t work. “We just don’t love each other anymore”, my mom said. This was hard for me to understand, because my dad told me repeatedly, “Tess, you don’t ever have to worry about your mom and I splitting up. I love her now more than ever.” Then I would smile and remember those words when my parents fought. It gave me hope that everything would be okay. Then recently my dad moved out of the house. He said it was for his job and that he would come home on weekends. Well, that didn’t happen. I kept waiting and waiting for my dad to come home, but he never did.

One night, I saw my mom packing some things in boxes, so I asked her what she was doing. “Mom, what’s with all the boxes?” I asked, hoping that she would say that they were just for a garage sale or something, and not say what I thought she would.

“We’re moving” she said. Those were the words I didn’t want to hear. “Your father decided to stay here, so you and I are moving out. It will just be to the neighboring town so it won’t be that far.” she said, trying to look at the bright side.

“Will I have to change schools too?” I asked, hoping for once that I would get “no” for an answer.

“Yes, Tessa. I’m sorry but that’s just the way things worked out. You never know, maybe it will be for the better.” she said.

As soon as I heard those words I stormed off to my room and reached for the phone. “I should call Emily”, I thought. “She always makes me feel better”. So I dialed Emily’s number and waited for her to answer. “Hi this is Emily Renolds”, said the answer machine. “I’m not here right now so leave me a message and I’ll get back to you soon.” I hung up the phone and laid on my bed. “My whole world is falling apart”, I thought. “My parents are splitting up, I’m moving, changing schools, and my best friend in the whole wide world is sick with a cancerous tumor. What exactly did I do to deserve this?” I said out loud, hoping for an answer. I then got in bed and pulled the covers up to my head, hoping that I would find comfort in them since I couldn’t find it anywhere else. I turned off the light and cried myself to sleep, wishing that tomorrow I would wake up and find that everything was just a dream.

It turns out that I wasn’t dreaming, sadly. I moved that week and started going to the new school. It was okay, but not that great. There were a few nice girls, but none of them ever paid much attention to me. I joined the volleyball team, and made a few friends. None of them even came close to Emily though.

My mom tried to get the best job she could, but it didn’t pay well. We hardly had enough money to just own a phone in general. So mom said that I could only call Emily once a month, to keep expenses down. But, she said I could write to her as often as I liked.

Emily never talked about how “she” was doing personally on the phone, or in her letters. She talked about school, the boy she liked, her mother, and always asked how I was doing. But she never talked about how her health was, even when I asked. A lot of the times I would call Emily’s mom to get the story straight from her, but talking about it always made her cry, so I gave up on that. Just as I was thinking that, the phone rang. I picked it up and said “Hello”.

“Hi, this is Emily’s mom”, said the person on the end of the line.

“Oh hi”, I said. “How is she doing?”.

“She is actually doing well, thanks for asking. I was calling to ask you to stay over this weekend for Emily’s birthday. She really misses you and it would mean a lot to see you.” Said Emily’s mom.

“That sounds great! I’ve really been wanting to see her. It just so happens that my Volleyball tournament this weekend was cancelled, so you can tell Emily I’m her’s for the whole weekend.” I said excitedly.

“Great! I will pick you up after school on Friday, and bring you home with me to surprise Emily.” Said Emily’s mom.

“Alright sounds great Mrs. Renolds. I”ll see you Friday.” I said.

I hung up the phone and ran downstairs to tell Mom I was spending the weekend at Emily’s.

“Mom!” I said enthusiastically. “Guess what?!”

“Hmmm. Your spending the weekend at Emily’s for her birthday?” she said.

“How did you know? I didn’t tell you.” I said puzzled.

“Emily’s mom called me herself yesterday. I just didn’t tell you yet.” My mom said teasingly.

“Secrets don’t make friends.” I said.

“Well I’m your mom, and that is better than a friend.” She said laughing.

I hugged my mom and went upstairs to my room. I had a present for Emily to make.

I looked around my room for ideas for a gift for Emily. Then it came to me. I could make a collage of all the pictures of us.

So I took down all my favorite pictures of us together and began to make a collage for Emily’s birthday. As I worked, memories of all our fun times together filled my head.

I woke up the next morning with glue on my face, and paper clippings in my hair. I must of fallen asleep while working on the collage, I thought. I looked at the clock. It was 5:30 in the morning.

“I’ll just finish the collage quick and then go back to bed.” I said to myself.

That day I went to school, and Emily’s mom picked me up after volleyball practice to go to Emily’s. We drove about half an hour until we got to their house.

“Emily should be in her room. You can go on up there and surprise her.” said Mrs. Renolds.

I went up the stairs to Em’s room and knocked on the door.

“Coming Mom.” Came the voice from inside the room.

Emily opened the door.

“Surprise!” I said excitedly.

Emily flung her arms at me and embraced me in a warm, friendly hug. Her smile made her look beautiful even with the loss of her hair.

“Oh Tess! I’ve missed you so much!” she said enthusiastically.

“And I’ve missed you!” I said. “Oh, I almost forgot. Happy birthday!!” I said, giving her the present.

“Oh Tess. You didn’t need to get me anything. Just having you here is enough.” she said truthfully.

“Well I didn’t get you something. I made it myself. Go ahead and open it.” I said.

Em took the present and sat down on her bed. She tore off the wrapping paper, and began to smile as she saw what was underneath it.

“Oh Tess!” she said, struggling to find the right words to say. “It’s...It’s amazing. I love it!” said Em as tears began to roll down her cheeks.

There was a silence between us for a few moments, as I didn’t know just then how to comfort her. We both knew why she was crying... So I decided to get up and gently give her a hug.

“It’s time for me to comfort you now. Just like you comforted me when my parents split up.” I said.

Em continued to cry in my arms. I stroked her hairless head and comforted her the best I could. I looked around her bedroom and saw a piece of paper lying on her desk. It read: Make a Wish Foundation

Oh! This must be the foundation that gives cancer kids their last wish, I thought to myself. Em still hasn’t filled it out yet. The line is still blank.

Then the idea came to me. I could help Em fulfill her wish! So I decided to ask her what her wish was.

“Em. What do you want to do most? More than anything in the World?” I asked.

“Well I want to be cured from cancer, graduate, go to college, get married, have kids, etc.” she said, starting to control her sobbing.

“Well what about this year?” I asked.

“I know what you’re talking about, Tessa. You want to know what my last wish is, right?” she asked.

“Well, yes.” I said.

“What I want more than anything, is to go to the Prom.” Emily said decidedly

I knew it, I thought to myself. Emily and I had been talking about the Junior/Senior Prom for years!!

“Well then I guess we are going to the Prom!” I said excitedly.

“You mean it Tess? You hate dancing and getting dressed up. Not to mention dress shopping.” said Em.

“Well you’re absolutely right. But I’m gonna do it all for you. This is about making your wish come true, not mine.” I said.

Over the next couple of weeks Em and I went dress shopping, jewelry shopping, shoe shopping, and accessory shopping. We got manicures and pedicures a couple of days before the Prom. Emily’s dress was a beautiful sky blue. My dress was a light lavender. Emily was going to the Prom with Jack Ferris (a boy she has had a crush on for years) and I was going with Matt Johnston (Jack Ferris’ best friend).

The night of the Prom I was doing Em’s makeup when Emily said, “Tess. I want to thank you so much for making my dream come true. I’ve been looking forward to this night for years. With the cancer and everything, I didn’t know if it was still possible. But you thought it was, and I want to thank you. You’re a true friend.”

I was so moved by what Em said that all I could come up with to say in return was, “Well what are friends for?”

The guys picked us up at Em’s house at five. They drove us to the school. We stepped inside the gym and were amazed. The theme was “A Cinderella Story”. It was beautiful. We had a nice meal and danced the night away. Emily looked stunning. She was so beautiful that no one would’ve guessed that she was wearing a wig. She had picked one out with long, radiant blonde, spiral curls. It suited her perfectly. I could tell that she and Jack were getting along quite nicely. Matt didn’t really talk much, but that was fine with me. As long as Em was happy, I didn’t care.

The night flew by quickly. I took bunches of pictures to remember the special night. I could add these pictures to Emily’s collage, I thought.

Later, Jack asked Emily if she wanted to go to the After-Prom party, but she said she was very tired, and wanted to go home. So Jack and Matt drove us back to Emily’s house. Jack asked Emily out on a date, and Matt didn’t even ask for my number. Oh well, I thought. This night wasn’t about me anyway.

We said goodnight to the guys and walked inside the house. Emily said she was thirsty so I went to get her a water bottle from the basement fridge. I came back upstairs and found Em lying on the floor, blood coming from her nose and mouth. I rushed to help her.

“Em! Em! Are you okay? Emily talk to me!!” I screamed.

I woke up Emily’s mom. She stayed with her while I dialed 911. The ambulance arrived in about five minutes. The paramedics rushed to the scene, swarming Em like a pack of bees. They loaded her onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. They allowed Mrs. Renolds and I to ride along.

The ambulance ride was a blur. The paramedics did what they could with the equipment they had. In no time we were at the hospital. Emily was rushed into the E.R. Mrs. Renolds and I had to wait in the waiting room until Emily was stable.

I found a phone and called my mom and told her what happened.

“Oh, honey. I’m so, so sorry.” she said.

“I know mom. I know.” I said, with tears rolling down my cheeks. “How soon can you get here?” I asked.

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. You just hold on, okay sweetheart?” she said, trying to comfort me.

“I’ll try.” I said.

I hung up the phone and went back in the waiting room. Trying to hold back the tears was like trying to hold back a volcanic eruption. It was physically impossible. So I just let them run. I let them run for the fifteen minutes it took for my mom to get there.

My mom finally got to the hospital, after what seemed like hours. I went downstairs to the lobby to greet her. She gave me a big hug, and told me everything was going to be just fine. While we were in the lobby, a nurse let us know that Emily was stable for the moment, and now was in room 316 in the ICU.

So my mom and I walked to the elevator and went to the second floor. We found room 316 and saw Emily’s mom waiting outside. “Karen, I’m so sorry. I came as soon as you called,” said my mom, embracing Emily’s mom. I then noticed how worn out she looked. I can only imagine how she was feeling; staying up with Emily night after night, week after week, month after month, making sure she was okay, checking on her every few hours, afraid that if she closed her tired eyes for even a moment, her little delicate angel will slip away into the night without her.

“Um, how long did the doctors say she had left?”, I asked timidly.

“The doctor said it could be anywhere from a few hours to a couple days”, said Emily’s mom, starting to sob. I was speechless when I heard this. I couldn’t think of anything that seemed right to say at the moment. I just stood in the doorway to Emily’s room, numb to all emotions.

“Emily is sleeping. You may go and see her.” said a nurse as she left the room. I walked in slowly, not wanting to awaken Emily.

The hospital room was pretty nice (they always give you the good rooms when you’re are going to die). Emily was hooked up to all kinds of machines. She was on oxygen and had an IV in her arm. “She doesn’t look like my Emily anymore”, I thought to myself. “Oh Em, I’m soo sorry.” I whispered to her. “I should’ve been there for you. You went through surgery, getting poked with needles, Chemo, and tests, and I wasn’t with you for any of it.” I choked, trying to hold back the tears. I sat by Em’s bed and gently stroked her hand. “It’s just that things have been so hard lately. I’ve had to move to a new school and dad and mom got divorced. I just don’t know how to handle it all. I feel as if I’ve hit rock bottom.” I sobbed, loosing control.

Suddenly, I heard a soft, gentle voice say, “I know Tess, and I wish I could’ve been there to help you through it. I can’t imagine the pain that you are going through.” I looked up and Emily was awake, looking right at me.

“What do you mean you can’t imagine what I’m going through? You’re in far worse pain than me, Em. Does it hurt much?”, I asked.

“Actually, they keep me pretty medicated so it doesn’t really hurt.” she said with a smile. “But what really hurts is everyone I’m going to leave behind”, she said.

“Tess, I had a great time tonight. Thank you for everything”, said Em, rasping as she struggled to breathe.

“Oh Em, I’m so glad you had fun, but I shouldn’t of taken you. It’s my fault that you’re like this.” I said.

“Nonsense. I knew it would happen sometime.” she said as her voice trailed off.

I looked at her and saw a tear in her eye, but she was trying so hard to be strong. I longed to relieve her of this pain. This cancer was like a monster, slowly eating away at someone that I loved so dearly.

“Tess, I want you to have your collage back. It’s wonderful, but I won’t need it where I’m going.” she said.

I wanted to tell Emily that she wasn’t going to die, but we both knew the truth.

There was a long silence until Emily said “You know Tess, I’m not scared to die.”

“What do you mean Em?”, I asked, curious about what she meant.

“Well, I know that I’m going to a better place. A place with no pain, suffering, sadness, or disease. Just a place full of joy, happiness, and a whole lot of worship.” Emily said smiling.

“I wish I was going to heaven when I die”, I said.

“Oh but you can Tess!” Em said excitedly.

“No, there is no way God would accept me with everything I’ve done”, I said still sobbing.

“See that is where you are wrong. John 3:16 says ‘For God so loved the world, that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life.’ Don’t you see Tess? God loves YOU! He sent his son to die, so that YOU can live with him in heaven! Isn’t that awesome?!” said Emily.

“So do you mean that all I have to do is believe in Him, and I will go to heaven? What’s the catch?” I asked.

“There is no catch. All you have to do is pray to Jesus and ask for forgiveness of the wrong things you have done, and ask Him to come into your life.” said Emily.

“Excuse me miss, but Emily needs to take her medicine.” said the nurse. “Okay. Well, I’ll think about what you said. I’ll be in the waiting room until you are done getting your medicine.” I said. “Ok. See you in a bit”, said Emily.

I walked out of Emily’s room and went into the waiting room. I sat down and heard a Christian song come over the loud speaker. It went like this “When everything falls apart, your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart, you’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone, I find you mighty and strong. Keep holding on.....” “Wow. They must be talking about Jesus. Maybe Emily is right about what she said.”, I thought to myself.

“We need help over here!”, said the nurse. “Her heartbeat is irregular!” I rushed into Emily’s room. There were lots of doctors and nurses flooding the room.

“Em! Em! You’re going to be fine Em, just hold on! You’ll make it.” I said panicking.

“No, my time is now Tessa. God’s calling me home.” said Emily, straining with every breath.

“What about what you said?! What am I supposed to do?” I asked. “Just pray to Jesus, ask forgiveness for the wrong things you’ve done, and ask Him to come into your life. He will always love you, Tess, no matter if anyone else does.” Emily said as she drew her last and final breath.

By this time, tears were flowing uncontrollably down my cheeks. I played the words that Em said to me over and over again in my head. “He will always love you, Tess, no matter if anyone else does.” I left the room and sat on the floor in the hallway. I quietly prayed what Emily told me to say. “Dear Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for me. I’m sorry for all the wrong things I’ve done. Please come into my life. And thank you that Emily told me about you. Amen.”

After being at the hospital for hours, my mom drove me to Emily’s house to pick up the collage. On it there was a little sticky note that read, “Thank you, Tess. Love, Em.”

Just the sight of the note brought me to tears once again. I carefully picked up the collage and brought it to my mom’s car. I still had my camera with me from Prom, so I asked her if she would take me to Wal-Mart quick to get them developed.

As soon as the pictures were ready, we went home. I brought the pictures and the collage up to my room. I got out my glue and added all the pictures of Em and I in our dresses to the collage of memories. What a perfect way to finish it, I thought.

I stared at the collage of Emily and I for what seemed like hours. She was in her lovely sky blue dress that she loved so much....

It has been five years since Emily died and I accepted Jesus into my life. I thank God everyday for Emily. My life has changed. I go to church and I’m in a Bible study. My mom has become a Christian also. Without Emily, I would never have become a Christian. And if she didn’t have cancer, I might not have heard about Jesus. This is how God turned something dreadful, into a blessing.

- Mallory

Reflections

Monday, March 14, 2011

He Still Loves Me

Friday, March 11, 2011

My Blessing (the new and improved version) :D

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Fire. Is It in You?